Beastly...

So I've Just Seen Beastly... And While It Was Beautiful, A Pretty Great Modern Day Adaptation Of Beauty And The Beast... Plus Alex Pettyfer Is Gorgeous! It Totally Made Me Miss All The Little Moments About Falling And Being In Love... And Again I Feel Lonely! I Know Its Just A Matter Of Time And That I Totally Have The 'Fuck The Fuck Off' Sign On My Forehead! But It Doesn't Mean I Can't Miss It! Little Things Like Doing Something Especially For Them... Cause Even Tho Noone Else Will Understand It! You Know That They Are Gonna Love It! There Was Also A Scene Where She Was Asleep And He Was Brushing Her Hair Off Her Face N Stroking Her Hair And It Just Took Me Back! Worryingly (Or Positively Depending On how You Look At It!) It Wasn't The Ben That I Thought About... It Was Someone Else... And That Was Weird And Confusing! I Mean Me N This Guy Have History... But I've Never Thought Bout Him Often... N Never When Watching Romantic Films... But Now My Head Keeps Replaying The Feeling Of Him Moving My Hair From My Face While I Was Half Asleep Then Smoothing It Down My Face... He Rescues Me Sometimes With Out Me Ever Really Realizing It! And Yet... I Dunno... I Suppose I'm Still A Little Bit Hurt And Looking At The Past With Rose Tinted Glasses!

5 Weeks Today... And I Still Feel Shit...

Dying Me Hair...
A Last Bid Attepmt To Erase You...
But Still I Can Hear You...
Telling Me I Dont Need To...
You Love Me As I Am...
But Thats Just It...
You Didnt!

One Step Forward... Two Steps Back

Tonight's Been A Bad Night Again! And There Was Me Thinking I May Be Getting A Little Bit Better! I Keep Waking Up And All I Want to Hear Is The Snuffling Next To Me To Let Me Know He's There!! I Want To Feel Him Pressed Up Against My Back, Telling Me To Stop Fidgeting And To Go Back To Sleep. To Stroke My Hair And The Side Of My Face To Let Me Know Its All Going To Be Okay.... But Hes Not Here And Hes Never Gonna Do That Again And The Though Of That Simply Makes My Stomach Drop.

Late Night... Lack Of Sleep... Musings

There's A Dull Ache Inside Of Me,

The Aching Of A Heart That Slowly Has To Mend,

As Each Piece Of Its Shattered Shape...

Finds A New Place To Rest,

I Will Tape It Up...

And Nurse The Wounds Of This Altered Heart.

The Needle Pricks Of Pain,

Slowly Creating The Stitches Of Healing.

Scars Will Form...

Leaving His Imprint Forever Etched On It's Surface...

But Those Scars Will Fade,

And Only The Happy Memories Will Last...

But For Now The Sting Of Newly Formed Cracks,

Mists The Knowledge That My Heart Shall Heal...

No Matter How Long It Takes...

The Jabs And Taunts Of My Own Heart...

Reminding Me Of My Humanity...

My Fragile Nature...

Late Night Rant

Ok... So Tonights Been A Bad Night... Its Six O'Clock In The Morning And I've Been Waking Up Periodically All Night! I Cant Get Him Out Of My Head! I Miss Turning Over In The Middle Of The Night And Just Reaching Out My Hand To Touch Him Just So Im Close To Him... I Miss Snuggling In His Arms Before We Go To Sleep And Him Accidently Pulling My Hair As He Gets Too Hot And Rolls Over... I Even Kind Of Miss Falling Asleep To Only Fools And Horses... Cause It Was The Only Thing He Could Get To Sleep With... Even Though I Had Seen Every Episode And Had Started To Complain About It As I Fell To Sleep A Good Hour After He Did Each Night!!! Wierd As It Sounds I Even Kinda Miss Being Woken Up Abruptly In The Middle Of The Night Cause Ive Rolled Over And Crashed My Head Into His Elbow... Cause At Least He Was There Then... I Miss The Flat Pillows I Had On My Side Of The Bed At His House... I Miss My Side Of The Bed.... I Miss Being Woken Up By His Snoring And Elbowing Him So He Stopped!!!!

I Miss All This And Its Killing Me Now Knowing If He Misses Anyhing About Me At ALL!!!!!!

Broken Hearted

Ok... So I Haven’t Posted In A While... But That’s Because Life Had Been Pretty Good And This Space Is Kind Of A Place For Me To Rant And Be Mad And Mardy...

Well I Kinda Need That Now...

... Me And My Boyfriend Have... Had Been Dating For Five And A Half Years... I Thought It Was Going Pretty Well... We'd Sorta Talked About Moving In Together And Recently Id Kinda Been Thinking I Could Totally Settle Down With Him... Then Out Of The Blue (At Least As Far As I Was Concerned) On Boxing Day He Decided To Tell Me He Was NO Longer Sure Whether He Wanted To Be With Me... Well Being The Girl I Am I Burst Into Tears... Asked Whether There Was Another Girl... Whether It Was Anything I Had Done... The Usual Kind Of Questions... But Didn’t Really Get Any Answers...

So I Left His House And Told Him He Needed To Think About What He Wanted And To Let Me Know... Well The Wednesday After He Did And He Said He Didn’t Want To Be With Me Anymore... Well In More Words Than That But That Was The Gist...

The Problem Is That I’m Having Trouble Getting Angry At HIM And I Keep Getting Angry At Others... Which Isn’t Good!! He Starts His First Full Time Job Soon... Which Means He Is Going To Move Away For The First Time... He’s Never Really Grown Up... And As He Said He’s Scared Of Growing Up And Still Being With His High School Girlfriend... He’s No Sure Whether That’s Sweet Or Weird... (At This Point He Sorta Blamed The Montage At The Beginning Of UP Which I Made Him Watch The Week Before Christmas While I Was Ill)

He HAD Kinda Been Distance For A Week Or So But I Thought That Was Because I Had Glandular Fever (Or The Kissing Disease) The Week Before Christmas! So I Just Assumed That His Distance Keeping Was Because I Was Ill!!

I Keep Getting Angry At People Because They All Keep Saying That Everything Will Be Okay And That Everything Will Get Better! But Right Now I Don’t Care About The Future! All I Can Feel Right Now Is The Pain I’m In At The Moment! I’m Fine When I Don’t Think About Him... But I Saw Him Drive Past Me On The Opposite Side Of The Road The Other Day (Thankfully There Was No One Else In The Car Or It May Have Been Worse) But I Burst Into Tears Upon Seeing Him! And Tears And Driving Is Never A Good Mix! And Today For Example He Finally Got Back In Touch Regarding Collecting All My Stuff That Was His House And Dropping It Off! And After SO Many Years Together Id Pretty Much Moved In At His So There’s A Lot Of Stuff A His! And Just Talking About It Made It All The More Real! Id Kinda Just Been Kidding Myself The Past Week Or So... It Was Just Like I Hadn’t Seen Him In A Bit... While My Stuff Was Still At His And (As Stupid As It May Sound) While Facebook Still Had Us As In A Relationship... I Could Pretend I Was! So I’ve Pretty Much Spent A Lot Of Today Crying... Or At Least Trying Not To Cry...

But I’ve Finally Changed The Facebook Status... And I’m Trying To Accept It And Begin To Move On... But It Still Hurts So Much... I Think It’s Because There Is Not A Definitive Reason Why He No Longer Wanted To Be With Me... So He May Have Sorted Himself Out... But I’m Confused Still... And Another Hard Part Is Knowing How Much I’m Hurting And Not Knowing Whether He IS!!! As Far As I Know He’s Fine... Moved On... And Has A New Girl Already (Which I Hope Not! At The Moment It May Kill Me!) But Not Knowing Hurts A Lot Too!! I’m Just Kinda Hoping I Can Get Out Of This Mopey Sad Stage Soon And Move On To The Next Stage… Anger Or Something… Cause At Least Then It Might Hurt Less!!!

All I Keep Thinking Is (As My Best Friend Said) At Leas He Had The Respect For Me To Let Me Know How He Was Feeling And Not Leading Me On For Another Month Or Two! As He Said He Still Loves Me But He Didn’t Want Me To Wait Around For Him While He Made Up His Mind… But I Cant Help But Feeling That I Am Going To Subconsciously Wait Around For Him… And I Can’t Do That To Myself… I Should Have More Respect About Myself Than That… I Always Thought I Did… But… Well…

… Okay… So Rant Over For Now… I Really Need Sleep…

Happy Birthday

Tis My Very Best Friends Birthday Today!!

So I Wanted To Wish Her A Very Very Happy Birthday!!